I abandoned my blog back in March, in case that wasn’t clear. But, there were reasons, I swear! I love blogging and missed it terribly, but nevertheless the Blog Abandonment continued for nearly eight months. Yikes! It’s been that long? So, without further ado, I present:

Reasons I haven’t posted since March 24, 2011:

1.  Took both kids snowboarding to Copper Mountain, Colorado, with some friends. Without my husband for backup. We took two babysitters with us for help with all three family’s kids, yet it was still…EXHAUSTING. Number of sweats broken while outfitting two kids with the 87 things they need to put on to leave the house five times a day? Don’t know. My memory of the trip is fuzzy due to dehydration from the exertion and all the alcohol.

So, I had to recover from that vacation, then…

2.  Started a full-time legal and marketing job at the beginning of April. I felt stifled by having a blog in my real name and couldn’t think of a thing to write without inserting a GIANT disclaimer that my views in no way reflect the views of my employer. OBVIOUSLY.

Also, I started living in my car…

3.  Twenty-minute drive to the kids’ fundamental school and then a 40-minute drive from school to work. Plus the twenty-five minute drive home with 2 – 3 days of hitting the gym on the way home to stay sane (it’s all relative) left precious little time to do much extra writing.

At the same time, life started sucking majorly…

4.  A very close family member was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer the week I started my new job. My family was adamant that I go ahead and take the job. Fortunately, my dear relative had lots of local love and family support, so everything was handled beautifully. We just found out the cancer is in remission. It is a miracle.

Life marches on, however, and

5.  Jack’s second-oldest daughter got married in California a couple of weeks after I started the job. Erin was so sick that she and I missed the wedding and spent nearly the entire trip in the hotel room. Stayed in a lovely old place that began to feel like the Overlook Hotel when we ran out of underwear and receptacles for vomit.

Jack did bring me back a piece of cake, though, and Jake, who promptly began throwing up and other things minutes after Jack left to return to the wedding. Southern California weather is magical that time of year, I hear.

Then, to extinguish my last remaining moments of free time during which I might blog…

6.  Brought home the new baby. I purchased a ridiculously expensive, impossibly tiny, designer dog named Bella for Erin in the hope she would stop moving the cat – nearly 20 pounds and unpredictable when pushed to his limit by a young girl determined to carry him everywhere she goes – and it actually worked! The cat was all but ignored, but unfortunately gained what looks like another five pounds due to lack of previous daily fleeing and eluding exercise.

I am now that person with a purse dog. Unexpected treat: Jack, who fought getting a “stupid small dog” like a demon, is absolutely devoted to Bella. He still has not figured out how much I spent on the dog, so we are still married. Avoiding costly ER visits for facial laceration and plastic surgery for daughter? Priceless.

This picture makes Bella look big, but she is only 1.8 pounds. She has long Jim Carrey in The Grinch-like hair tufting out between all of her toes. It’s totally adorable.

7.  Traveled a bit for work. Went to conferences in Atlanta, San Francisco and Denver. Like a moron, I ate a giant bowl of cantaloupe in Denver AT THE VERY TIME the tainted Colorado cantaloupe was all over the news. In my defense, my co-worker ate some too, so I’m at least tied for stupid. Spent the next month convinced that every cough was the beginning of the end.

Uncharted territory ahead…

8.  Jake was diagnosed with a nonverbal learning disability, complete with an almost total inability to comprehend math (dyscalculia). He was struggling mightily, despite an amazing teacher and support structure at his school. He had a 504 plan and we were in the process of getting an IEP in place, but I could tell that without nearly constant one-on-one intervention he would continue to fall behind.

I lose my shit completely and…

9.  We decided to take the kids out of school for me to homeschool them. I have always been curious about homeschooling and teaching in general (My mother was a sixth-grade teacher, coach and computer teacher for many, many years), but always proclaimed loudly and at every opportunity that I could never homeschool my own kids because, well, they are my boisterous, headstrong offspring. I really tried to put that nicely.

For some reason, the President and CEO of the company where I work generously approved me to work around three hours a day from home. I am incredibly grateful because I really enjoy the work and the people and it allows me to still be an adult making adult money and to use my big words and pricey law degree.

Things start to settle down…

10.  I get the hang of homeschooling and realize Erin would be better off in our zoned elementary school, especially since it is now graded even higher than her former school. She openly despised homeschool (despite begging me to make the decision in the first place) and it was hindering my ability to teach both of them and, frankly, depriving me of the will to live.

Erin starts school next week. Jake is 100% fine with this turn of events and even told me it would be better for just the two of us to do homeschool. Phew!

11.  This just in. Just started Jake on the Feingold program last week to see if it will help with some of the behavior issues. It is a fairly controversial program, and a radical lifestyle change since you can’t eat any artificial colors, flavorings, preservatives or salicylates, but I feel compelled to give it a try. I truly believe I am seeing a calmer boy, with just a few days under our belt. I have written before about Jake’s reaction to red dye, and absolutely believe he has a sensitivity to artificial ingredients.

Jack is not convinced the program has merit and we’ve already had a scuffle after he bought Jake some gingersnaps that contained cloves – lots of salicylates. I will report back on how it goes.

That’s pretty much it. No more or less than what others probably have to deal with during the course of an (almost) year, but I just couldn’t find time for my blog.

See you in eight months! Just kidding. I hope.