Reasons I haven’t posted since March 24, 2011:

1.  [...]]]> I abandoned my blog back in March, in case that wasn’t clear. But, there were reasons, I swear! I love blogging and missed it terribly, but nevertheless the Blog Abandonment continued for nearly eight months. Yikes! It’s been that long? So, without further ado, I present:

Reasons I haven’t posted since March 24, 2011:

1.  Took both kids snowboarding to Copper Mountain, Colorado, with some friends. Without my husband for backup. We took two babysitters with us for help with all three family’s kids, yet it was still…EXHAUSTING. Number of sweats broken while outfitting two kids with the 87 things they need to put on to leave the house five times a day? Don’t know. My memory of the trip is fuzzy due to dehydration from the exertion and all the alcohol.

So, I had to recover from that vacation, then…

2.  Started a full-time legal and marketing job at the beginning of April. I felt stifled by having a blog in my real name and couldn’t think of a thing to write without inserting a GIANT disclaimer that my views in no way reflect the views of my employer. OBVIOUSLY.

Also, I started living in my car…

3.  Twenty-minute drive to the kids’ fundamental school and then a 40-minute drive from school to work. Plus the twenty-five minute drive home with 2 – 3 days of hitting the gym on the way home to stay sane (it’s all relative) left precious little time to do much extra writing.

At the same time, life started sucking majorly…

4.  A very close family member was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer the week I started my new job. My family was adamant that I go ahead and take the job. Fortunately, my dear relative had lots of local love and family support, so everything was handled beautifully. We just found out the cancer is in remission. It is a miracle.

Life marches on, however, and

5.  Jack’s second-oldest daughter got married in California a couple of weeks after I started the job. Erin was so sick that she and I missed the wedding and spent nearly the entire trip in the hotel room. Stayed in a lovely old place that began to feel like the Overlook Hotel when we ran out of underwear and receptacles for vomit.

Jack did bring me back a piece of cake, though, and Jake, who promptly began throwing up and other things minutes after Jack left to return to the wedding. Southern California weather is magical that time of year, I hear.

Then, to extinguish my last remaining moments of free time during which I might blog…

6.  Brought home the new baby. I purchased a ridiculously expensive, impossibly tiny, designer dog named Bella for Erin in the hope she would stop moving the cat – nearly 20 pounds and unpredictable when pushed to his limit by a young girl determined to carry him everywhere she goes – and it actually worked! The cat was all but ignored, but unfortunately gained what looks like another five pounds due to lack of previous daily fleeing and eluding exercise.

I am now that person with a purse dog. Unexpected treat: Jack, who fought getting a “stupid small dog” like a demon, is absolutely devoted to Bella. He still has not figured out how much I spent on the dog, so we are still married. Avoiding costly ER visits for facial laceration and plastic surgery for daughter? Priceless.

This picture makes Bella look big, but she is only 1.8 pounds. She has long Jim Carrey in The Grinch-like hair tufting out between all of her toes. It’s totally adorable.

7.  Traveled a bit for work. Went to conferences in Atlanta, San Francisco and Denver. Like a moron, I ate a giant bowl of cantaloupe in Denver AT THE VERY TIME the tainted Colorado cantaloupe was all over the news. In my defense, my co-worker ate some too, so I’m at least tied for stupid. Spent the next month convinced that every cough was the beginning of the end.

Uncharted territory ahead…

8.  Jake was diagnosed with a nonverbal learning disability, complete with an almost total inability to comprehend math (dyscalculia). He was struggling mightily, despite an amazing teacher and support structure at his school. He had a 504 plan and we were in the process of getting an IEP in place, but I could tell that without nearly constant one-on-one intervention he would continue to fall behind.

I lose my shit completely and…

9.  We decided to take the kids out of school for me to homeschool them. I have always been curious about homeschooling and teaching in general (My mother was a sixth-grade teacher, coach and computer teacher for many, many years), but always proclaimed loudly and at every opportunity that I could never homeschool my own kids because, well, they are my boisterous, headstrong offspring. I really tried to put that nicely.

For some reason, the President and CEO of the company where I work generously approved me to work around three hours a day from home. I am incredibly grateful because I really enjoy the work and the people and it allows me to still be an adult making adult money and to use my big words and pricey law degree.

Things start to settle down…

10.  I get the hang of homeschooling and realize Erin would be better off in our zoned elementary school, especially since it is now graded even higher than her former school. She openly despised homeschool (despite begging me to make the decision in the first place) and it was hindering my ability to teach both of them and, frankly, depriving me of the will to live.

Erin starts school next week. Jake is 100% fine with this turn of events and even told me it would be better for just the two of us to do homeschool. Phew!

11.  This just in. Just started Jake on the Feingold program last week to see if it will help with some of the behavior issues. It is a fairly controversial program, and a radical lifestyle change since you can’t eat any artificial colors, flavorings, preservatives or salicylates, but I feel compelled to give it a try. I truly believe I am seeing a calmer boy, with just a few days under our belt. I have written before about Jake’s reaction to red dye, and absolutely believe he has a sensitivity to artificial ingredients.

Jack is not convinced the program has merit and we’ve already had a scuffle after he bought Jake some gingersnaps that contained cloves – lots of salicylates. I will report back on how it goes.

That’s pretty much it. No more or less than what others probably have to deal with during the course of an (almost) year, but I just couldn’t find time for my blog.

See you in eight months! Just kidding. I hope.

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I knew the answer to this question at a very early age, I just ignored it for over thirty years.

Putting that aside for the moment, the first red herring career I decided upon was being a [...]]]> Today’s theme at Girl Talk Thursday is “What did you want to be when you grew up?”

I knew the answer to this question at a very early age, I just ignored it for over thirty years.

Putting that aside for the moment, the first red herring career I decided upon was being a veterinarian. I was constantly reading as a child. I was the one with a paperback wedged inside my textbook at school, and the one in bed with a flashlight every night after lights out because I just had to finish a book.

The series of books by James Herriot, the pen name of an English country veterinary surgeon and writer, made a large impression on me. I just knew my calling was to be a large animal vet. At the time, I was living on an historic plantation in Natchez, Mississippi and had three horses of my very own. Things were working out nicely until I became a teenager and nearly overnight lost interest in anything not directly related to getting through high school without being eaten alive.

In college I blindly followed the lead of one of my guy friends who was an accounting major and planning to go to law school. I signed up with the plan that an accounting degree plus a law degree equaled big money, despite the fact that I despised facts and figures with a passion. I didn’t say it was a good plan.

Luckily, an internship with my hometown’s District Attorney the last semester of law school allowed a passion for criminal law to blossom and saved me from the fate of crunching numbers as a tax attorney at a big firm. After graduation I moved to Tampa and landed my first real job as a felony line attorney at the Public Defender’s Office. I loved it, but it wasn’t really a forever job. It was the ideal training ground to be a litigator, though, and I moved on to work at a law firm, and then to my own firm with a partner.

My years as an attorney never gave me a sense of fulfillment, despite the fact that I was fairy good at what I was doing. I stopped working for a while to have kids, then worked in real estate off and on. Real estate paid well and was the perfect flexible job, but it never felt like a perfect match.

When I became aware of the world of blogging, I jumped right in and it felt like a revelation. Finally, an outlet for all of my creativity and a way to get the gratification of publishing that my unfinished books, screenplays and sitcom pilots weren’t providing.

It was only when I started a blog and began freelance writing that I recalled my first passion from long ago. I was a writer in first grade. I wrote a short story about a classmate’s brother and asked to read it to my class. Asking to speak in front of my entire class was so not my nature growing up that I know with certainty that writing and needing to share my work was a powerful force in me.

I was not able to tap into my true calling until I was 42, but that’s okay, at least I know I am now grown.

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When I think [...]]]> This is my first time participating in Girl Talk Thursday and the topic is venting about your job. Talking about what I do from home, blogging and freelance writing, didn’t strike me as fascinating reading for you, so I decided to do a little spoof.

When I think about work I get that song, “You Know It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp“, from that Terrence Howard movie, Hustle and Flow, in my head. At first I didn’t think that it applied to blogging, but after reading through the lyrics, I realized it could totally be the theme song for bloggers with just a couple of tweaks.

YOU KNOW IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP BLOGGER

You know it’s hard out here for a pimp blogger (you ain’t knowin)
When he she tryin to get this money for the rent BlogHer 10 (you ain’t knowin)
For the Cadillacs SUVs and gas hosting money spent (you ain’t knowin)
Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit (you ain’t knowin on the Twitters)
Will have a whole lot of bitches talkin shit (you ain’t knowin on the Twitters)

In my eyes I done seen some crazy thangs in the streets comments
Gotta couple hoes bloggy friends workin on the changes code for me
But I gotta keep my game tight like Kobe Dooce on game night Oprah
Like takin from a ho don’t know no better a review without disclosure,
I know that ain’t right
Done seen people killed trolled, done seen people deal
Done seen people live in poverty with no meals Federated Media ads
It’s fucked up where I live on the Internet, but that’s just how it is

It might be new to you, but it’s been like this for years
It’s blood sweat and tears when it come down to this shit
I’m tryin to get rich ‘fore I leave up out this bitch
I’m tryin to have thangs but it’s hard fo’ a pimp blogger
But I’m prayin and I’m hopin to God the gods of page rank I don’t slip, yeah

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